Bipolar Blessings

bipolar blessings

[Boundary Waters Canoe Area 2013 thoughts part 2]

With a dark glare, I raise my eyes to the heavens and I mutter those awful words:  “I hate you.”

It’s quite pathetic really.  That a rainy camping trip can cause such abhorrent emotions.  I asked for sun all weekend and saw it for less than 5 minutes.  Every other minute was filled with torrential downpours, leaky tents, soaked socks and wet food.  By the third day, we were tired of the hypothermic atmosphere and packed up our bags to paddle out.  Nearing our exit point, the clouds began to part.  The warm sun began drying up puddles and removing damp sweaters from shivering bodies.  Bitterly I trudged the path, furious at the sun for showing itself NOW after 3 days of hide and seek.

“How dare he,” I begin to think towards God.  How dare he what?  Bless me with sun? 

Truth be told, here at the end of the trail, now I would rather it rain.  Rain makes it easier to leave.  Now the sun was mocking me.  God was three days late.  How ironic.  Rain one day can be a curse and the next be a blessing.  Sun one day can be a blessing and the next become a curse.  If I am the one who determines what is blessing and when, how can I blame God?  What do I think I am entitled to?  Even if I wanted it, God could not bless me.  He CANNOT seem good to me if I’ve already decided that my way is best.

What a selfish little animal, me.  I demand to play God when God does not play by my rules.

Do I despise God and decide he is evil because he refuses to submit to me?

Yet at the end of the day, God is not a slave to my whims.  Be glad he is not, for if he was, you should all run.  It would be like Veruca Salt, controlling the universe.  And THAT… well that would be hell.

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2 thoughts on “Bipolar Blessings

  1. Thank you for such an honest and open post! I often feel like this with God and have to remind myself of who I am. However the truly amazing thing is that he still loves us. 🙂

  2. Lisa, you are so real and honest! I love your phrases and musings and how your writings bring it all down to the ‘ragamuffin’ in us ALL. (just finished reading ‘The Ragamuffin Gospel’ and your postings hit the nail on the head every time)

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